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| I will have been with the love of my life for 7 months.
You have to admit, we have quite the story. Too much to be explained, too much to understand.. All that is needed to be said is that you are the only one for me. Your past doesn't matter, mine doesn't matter. What matters is us, the present. It is a gift, a blessing. What we have, this thing called you and me, some people spend their whole lives looking for. And we've got it. No matter what, we'll keep it.
You are genuine; different in my memory. You'll always stick out. And when we're growing old together, graying hair and all, it'll always be you for me. I'll even feed you the puddings and soups because we won't be able to eat solid foods. Ahaha. A lot of people don't have it as good as we do.
I love you so much. Thank you for everything.
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i've found a new place to blog. so much plainer. so much simpler.
and i guess that's totally me. eh, and i know i have a lot of history from this page.
but moving on, i guess? (: thanks for reading my shiit while it lasted.
http://nanajm.tumblr.com/
http://nanajm.tumblr.com/
http://nanajm.tumblr.com/
http://nanajm.tumblr.com/
http://nanajm.tumblr.com/
;DD
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| guess what? i made a new friend today, and he's really laid back. also really funny. and i'm glad we started talking. i suppose that is a good way to start this off. i'm going to the movies in about an hour to see one last movie with my cousin. she has a real problem with boys, but i still love her. you know? no matter how much a family member has done you wrong, you're always going to love them. and that is how we are. she really is a great person.
i can't wait to see him in california. and he is not a person i have a special interest in. just a really close and old friend, you know? i am supposed to call him when i get there. and speaking of phone calls, i am going to call someone on saturday. he already knows who he is. but i told him not to pick up the phone when i do. it might seem weird, but i want to leave a long voicemail. it's complicated to explain, but it's just i don't want the person to conversate with me. i just want them to listen. and plus, you can save voicemails. you can't save phone conversations.
lately, i haven't felt like writing a whole freaking essay. or a fully thought out letter. it's so hard to do, and its not like you actually read these because i mean something to you. right? it's because you are a nice person. and you like listening and trying to understand who i am. or maybe it's not even that. maybe because you're bored, you want to read this. i probably don't even mean anything.
sigh. if there is anything you should read it should be this: i don't want to be forgotten. and when i am gone, i want the same place in your life. i still want to be important to you (if i ever really was important, i guess). i don't want to be replaced. i don't want to be left behind. i hope you can't remember to forget me. or that you don't ever forget to remember me. i don't want us to change.
"i'll still love you when your hair turns gray. & i'll still want you if you gain a little weight."
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| it was probably a huge pain in your ass to take time to read my last letter to you and i'm sorry for that. there was just too much going on, you know? and everything is dying down, i guess. but i'm leaving to california until august 10th. and the reason why i mention that is because my dad was perfectly fine with us leaving for that long, and just a few hours ago he called me and asked why we planned on staying so long.
1. we won't be able to go for the next 4 years.
2. i haven't been there in 4 years.
3. i don't want to stay in this rinky dink town.
4. the tickets were already bought, its booked. we can't change it.
5. why waste my time in the little house, doing nothing?
he thought my aunt was the one that planned for the trip to be so long. truth is, it was my cousin and i. before he hung up he said that he would talk to her about how long we were staying. i hope he doesn't yell at her or something, because.. well, what the fuck? i'm the one who wants to be there that long; and my cousin too. it's not my aunts fault. i am contemplating on whether or not to tell him how it really is. and that it is us, not her. i just don't know how well that's going to go down.
i really thought my dad was okay with me growing up. and leaving. and most likely, he is. but i wonder if he's taking this badly? i don't know. he just seems to be hesitating a little. i let him go all the time, because i know he'll be safe. and even though i know i'd miss him like hell, i let it go. because i know he'll be back. and to help me deal with it, i just take time to realize that i never really spend time with him a lot anyhow. he comes home after work and sleeps. i'm always stuck being yelled at by my mom. i think he needs to realize that he never really puts in effort to have "father-daughter time" with me, so there really is no point in trying to hold me down. do you know what i mean? it's just.. i want him to see things the way that i do.
incidentally, i am obsessed with youtube right now. :DD
http://www.youtube.com/user/itszsana
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| i can't believe that i totally took him for granted. like, you know how you have a guy best friend and he's just always there? and he like is so cool and stuff, like he doesn't even have to try and he likes you for who you are. all of that great stuff. but you kind of always had him on the side, and would never have thought he'd leave when you wanted him. and by want i mean like you finally realized that you wanted to be with the kid. you know? dating and all that other really romantic stuff. i guess what i mean to say is, i felt so important to him. i felt like i had a special place somewhere in his heart, you know? and i realize how corny that sounds but that is how it really is. and it really hurt that he just pushed me out of his life in a week. literally. and it killed me. no kidding. what also really sucks is that he was one of my best friends. and he never said why he stopped talking to me. i hope that made sense? it's really getting on my last friggin' nerve that i don't know. i just want him to tell me why he doesn't want me in his life anymore, and i will move on. i swear i will. i just don't know if i could live with that.
incidentally, a good friend of mine wanted to hang out with me. but i was talking to his best friend, and his best friend told me he just wanted to have his sick little fun with me. and also another girl, but she doesn't know. i want to tell her, but i can't. i know it's the right thing.. but from my jugdement, she seems like the type of girl that will say no. all of this kind of just made me think so differently of him. we were always super tight, too. i want to stay friends with him, i really do. for a moment i was thinking about just not talking to him in general.. but i would be doing what my one best friend did to me. you know, the one i talked about in the first paragraph. but i would have hated myself so badly for that. also, it might be random to say, but i am glad that i am above the influence. and that i have a conscience telling me what is right and wrong.
a friend told me the other day that everyone does weed. i laughed when he sent that to me, but i just kept asking him how many people he knew that did it. i don't recall why he kept saying it was really cool and all that stuff. he told me that i should do it because it was totally great and that it made you feel good. i laughed again, he couldn't be serious. in all honesty, if it was really that good i would have been doing that shit long before he would have. no lie. and apparently, it's not. i'm already as messed up as a fifteen year old girl should get. i don't really need drugs to fuck me up some more. i really mean that.
anyway, i forget what i was doing today, but i know that i totally lost it. and when i caught up with myself, i sat there and told my mom to take me to a mental place or something. because i really was going crazy, and they just didn't believe it because they thought it was how i always acted. or maybe i wasn't.. but if you want the truth, it totally seemed that way. incidentally, my cousin cut my hair today. she's new at it, so i guess you could say she was experimenting with my hair. bad? not so much. good looking? totally. she wrapped a black cloth around my neck to block the hair from getting onto my clothing. and it might sound crazy, but after she was done i took it and put it on backwards. it legit looked like a batman cape or something. i stood infront of a fan to make the really cool windy effect, and it lifted it up so it looked like i was flying. i never felt more childish in my life.
my real best friend has been calling me constantly. i haven't been picking up, and i hate to admit that. maybe she really needed me this time. i don't know, but it was really getting to me. i mean i was there for her 24/7 when she liked this guy. i really was and i put up with everything. believe me, it was over the top. no kidding. i liked hearing it. i liked helping her. and even when she was in doubt, i still tried to convince her that he liked her a lot. which i really thought he did. but it turns out he didn't like her because he liked me. i felt like it was completely my fault. and i don't even see how he could have liked me when i hardly ever talked to him. do you know what i mean? i would never date him after what he's said to her. hell, i didn't even like him in the first place if you want the truth. i haven't been there for her ever since he broke her heart. i don't really know what it is but it's undescribable. she was always ridiculously moody after she talked to him. either totally pissed, happy, or down in the dumps. it changed too much for me. i guess a little of it is that i was trying to cope with losing a best friend, and having the other best friend focus on her and a very special someone. in all honesty, i am okay with her and that someone. i just didn't really see why i couldn't talk about my issue. but maybe i was too afraid, or something. but now that i think about it, it is because i didn't want to seem selfish and set the focus on me all of the time.
there is too much on my mind. my cousin wanting me to go to hershey park. my nakama wanting me to go to his mom's wedding with him. and my other cousin's baby shower. buying tickets. packing. how i'm going to break it to her. how i love my best friends but i never want them surrounding me. how i am going to tell him that i don't really like him like that. how i am such a bitch for leading him on. why he left me behind. why he wanted to do that. is there a reason why my mom is always bitching at me but expecting me to stay there for her forever. wishing how i could handle life like my dad does. there's too much going on. i can't handle anything anymore. i want to learn how to deal with this all by myself but i can't.
incidentally, i want a rabbit suit. not like that playboy shit, like the easter bunny. and also, i am going to california and i know how long i am going to be there i just do not know how to tell it to everyone else. because they wanted to make so many plans with me, but i just want to leave. that's all i've wanted for 4 years straight. because there will be other summers to be with them, right? i really wish you could tell me that they weren't going to leave me. and that they wouldn't go find other great people to replace me. or maybe that they would really miss me and think about me every now and then. because that would be all that i ask for from them. i just do not want to be forgotten.
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andrew: you think too much
andrew: don't worry about it
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